太過尖銳的話語來自太脆弱的心,太過堅強的自由來自太渴望依靠的感情。親愛的,愛是理解那些情緒背後沒說出口的嗚鳴。

很多的拒人於千里之外和尖聲斥喝,都源自於我們的害怕。當我們開始畏懼「和人變得親密」這件事,可能會有下面這些反應:

首先我們會變得疏離,或是用心靈諮商師的術語,「迴避」,因為雖然想和伴侶變得親密,卻同時很害怕我們會被拋棄。我們把他們冰封在外,會說著「我在忙」、假裝總在想別的事,暗示「確定親近感的必要性」絕不是我們的首要之務。

我們甚至可能會出軌,這是最終極的、不會讓人拉不下臉的嘗試,能讓我們得以安全地與人產生距離,也倔強地去強調我們不需要伴侶的愛,那份我們太過保留、而不敢要求的愛。(推薦閱讀:一輩子都親密不了的戀人關係

Firstly, we can get distant or what psychotherapist call avoidant we want to get close to our partners but feel so anxious that we may be unwanted. We freeze them out a bit instead we say we're busy; we pretend our thoughts are elsewhere; we imply that a need for reassurance would be the last thing on our minds.

We might even have an affair the ultimate face-saving attempt to be safely distant and often a perverse quest to assert that we don't require the partner's love , a love that we've been too reserved to ask for.

或者我們可能就會變得非常有控制欲,也就是治療師所稱的「焦慮」。當發現伴侶在情緒上迴避我們時,我們會官腔地以咄咄逼人的方式回應他們我們會因他們有點晚歸而過度發怒,重重斥責,我們總是要求他們持續完成某些他們答應會做的事情,我們發狂般地重複以上種種,卻不願承認自己其實是「我是擔心你不在乎我了」。(推薦閱讀:【為你點歌】在創傷的愛裡復原:說不在乎的,往往最在乎

Or else we can get controlling what therapist called "anxious". We feel our partners are escaping us emotionally and we respond by trying to pin them down administratively. We get unduly cross that they're a bit late will chastise them heavily for not having done certain chores. We asked them constantly they've completed a task they'd agreed to undertake. All this rather than admit I'm worried I don't matter to you.

為什麼我們會變成這麼尖銳、自己都不喜歡的樣子呢?可以看看 The School of Life 的影片怎麼說: