其實,性暴力、性侵害、性騷擾,從來都離我們並不遙遠。美國鋼琴創作歌手 Tori Amos 寫下這首 Me And A Gun,真實地紀錄下被強暴的創傷經驗,很痛,很難受,但是用愛以及音樂,她幫助自己找回相信生命的力量,想分享這樣的故事給妳。(Tori Amos 寫歌,你可以寫下文字!女人迷活動:這不是妳的錯,妳不需要獨自承受

美國鋼琴創作歌手 Tori Amos 歌詞與曲寓意深刻而刻劃入心,在台灣大家聽過她的歌,大概就是孫燕姿曾經翻唱過的 Silent All These Years 講愛情的失去與空白。

收錄於1991年第一張專輯“Little Earthquake”裡,王菲翻唱成“冷戰”。

這裡,我想講的是,這張專輯裡的最後一首歌“Me and a Gun”,Tori 勇敢把自己曾經被強暴的遭遇、對強暴者的控訴、與當時的心情描寫.. 劇細靡遺的寫成這首令人揪心的歌。(推薦閱讀:2000 個被強暴後的勇敢故事

 

Me and a Gun

5am friday morning thursday night far from sleep                   
I'm still up and driving can't go home obviously
So I'll just change direction cause they'll soon know where I live 
And I wanna live 
Got a full tank and some chips 

It was me and a gun and a man on my back 
And I sang "holy holy" as he buttoned down his pants

You can laugh
Its kind of funny
Things you think
Times like these
Like I haven't seen BARBADOS so I must get out of this

Yes I wore a slinky red thing 
Does that mean I should spread for you, your friends 
Your father, Mr Ed 

It was me and a gun and a man on my back 
But I haven't seen BARBADOS so I must get out of this

And I know what this means 
Me and Jesus a few years back used to hang 
And he said "it's your choice babe just remember 

I don't think you'll be back in 3 days time so you choose well" 
Tell me whats right 
Is it my right to be on my stomach of Fred's Seville 

It was me and a gun and a man on my back 
But I haven't seen BARBADOS so I must get out of this
and do you know CAROLINA 

Where the biscuits are soft and sweet
These things go through your head when there's a man on your back 
And you're pushed flat on your stomach it's not a classic Chadic

It was me and a gun and a man on my back 
But I haven't seen BARBADOS so I must get out of this
I haven't seen BARBADOS so I must get out of this

禮拜五清晨五點,她無法回家,因為擔心強暴者會跟蹤她,而知道她住哪裡。當那個男人拿槍指著她、並脫下他的褲子時,她想著上天,並想到她還有一直想去、但還沒去過的地方,想到 Carolina 那個又甜又軟的好吃餅乾,所以她必須活下來!

她說:「難道就因為我穿了紅色緊身洋裝,就必須把我自己交給你,你的朋友們,和你的爸爸分享嗎?」(到這裡才知道,令人心痛的是,強暴她的不止一個人)(同場加映:裙子穿得再短,都沒有人應該被侵犯

然後,她諷刺的說,這就像耶穌被殘酷的釘在十字架上後,人們對他說 “記住,這是妳的選擇。”

“I really do feel as though I was psychological mutilated that night and that now I'm trying to put the pieces back together again. Through love, not hatred. And through my music. My strength has been to open again, to life, and my victory is the fact that, despite it all, I kept alive my vulnerability."

Tori 說,歌詞裡的槍,其實是一把刀,強暴他的人,原本是要殺了她的,如果沒有趁著對方去買毒品的時候脫逃,她只會是新聞報導裡的另一個犧牲者、讓母親傷心的女兒。活下來後,她決定把那段破碎的經驗重新拼湊,用愛跟自己的音樂,讓自己的力量,在生命中重新綻放,而她的成功,其實是從不忘記自己的傷痛裡,焠鍊出來的。(推薦閱讀:寫下你的痛,我們都懂,我們陪你勇敢

Tori 演唱 “Me and A Gun”

或許我們沒有過 Tori 的痛苦遭遇,但成長過程中,多少都會有不開心而想忘記的事情發生,是選擇讓背負著悲傷痛苦而假裝遺忘,還是勇敢面對?如果在揭露傷疤的過程中,會再度面臨痛苦,那為何我們還要面對呢?Tori 自己說了,她選擇了不忘記。因為不忘記,才能不再逃避、不再背負著秘密,而真正放下。(同場加映:寫在退選之後:性騷擾經驗,讓我無法同情陳為廷

最後,她用屬於自己的方式,來勇敢面對、傾訴、化解傷痛。想想自己平時喜歡做、擅長做的事情,或許可以從中找到化解,讓自己走出陰霾。畢竟連 Tori 遇到這麼糟的事,都能夠走出來、讓自己成功了,更何況是我們呢?